This is the final push.

Dear Beloved,

By grace you have been saved through faith.
By grace you have been saved through faith.
By grace you have been saved through faith.


This is the final push.
He has taken me out of the dark pit, and now this is the final push.

I press onward, for I know what is ahead.

See here, My Beloved...
For where is my brother? And where is my sister?
Where is my son? And my daughter?
For where is my mother? And my father?
And where is my husband?

Are they not in Heaven?

And where is my home, My Beloved? My home to which I belong?
Is it not in Heaven?


This is the final push. And It is but a "twinkle" He wrote.

But hush now, My Beloved...
For is there a desire which I desire more than a family...a large one, to which I belong?
And is there a desire which I have desired longer than to have siblings?
And which desire is more precious than my desire for daughters and sons?
Now tell me, Beloved... which desire have I not prayed for more, than for a husband?

Alas, Beloved, He waits... for this is the final push.


Dear Beloved,

who am I, but His daughter?

You see, My Love...
On this stage I am no one, but perhaps a player already forgotten. This world has no end that I long for.
"To be or not to be" concerned one man's own fate.
Did he not choose "life"?

But alas, what a woeful question; for even when unasked, it has already been answered.

Who am I My Beloved, but His daughter?
Yea, who am I but His daughter...



This is the final push.


For who am I but His daughter...for I am His daughter.
My fullness, my essence, my life...it is by means of grace that He saved me and made me His daughter.


Therefore My Love,
I push...
This is the final push...
that His daughter for all eternity I may be.


-One with the Weeds

How far do we have to travel just to be home again?

Note the weeds.

NOTE the weeds.

They grow in the hostile cemented sand we call our "back yards" here in San Diego. The soil is rugged...dry like the desert. Hardly soil, the ground is hard as though kitted together by pressure. This rocky land seems to be fit for nothing but preserving fossils.

How do the weeds grow?

How do the weeds grow...months on end without rain? It had been San Diego's longest record of days without rain. This year's Santa Ana season seemed hotter and dryer than the years before. This year, I saw the weeds die.


In a mini forest, sitting knee-high, the yellow daisies flirted with the birds all spring. In the summer the flowers fainted while their stems weakened. By September all that was once thick and green had hallowed to a dry brown. I watched the weeds wither.

By October they were dead.

Months passed by, and then it rained.... And BEHOLD, after a couple of downpours, like lightening they sprouted up.

From the seat of my desk through my living room window... this morning I have noticed the weeds.

It had only been a couple weeks of rain, yet in those few weeks...in the marginal amount of rain that fell upon my backyard, the weeds regained their strength. Not only did they come back to life, they grew bigger and they multiplied. What had been only an occurrence in a small corner of my yard last Spring had unlawfully turned into an invasion in a year.


The weeds are making their presence known to me; with a snicker they wave to me from the cracks of my pavement and from the trunk of my hill they bid me 'good morning'...even the soil of my potted plants have become their refuge. They, like scoundrels, have suffocated the flowers that blossomed among the iceberg grass. Indiscriminately, they have stolen sun, nutrients and water from my backyard: my Giant Wild Rye shrubs-dead; my Ficus tree-without leaves; my tomatoes plants-without fruit; my rose bush-without even one petal...the weeds have left my backyard desolate.

But why, why the weeds? Why note the weeds?


Are we not yards of clay?

 Our hearts are a land no less rocky than the soil of a desert...
And our sin... no less evil and no less aggressive than the weeds whose roots latch onto the rocks of our backyards.
After months of drought the weeds suffocate, but at the clouds' discretion... just a few inches of rain brings about revival.

Letting the weeds die is not enough. The land needs tilling and the rocks on which the roots clutch to need removal. Deeply connected, the roots of one spout are anchored to another; they feed each other.

To purify a garden of such a pest would seem impossible.

But for the Believer, our Hope exists in Christ. His blood not only covers us, it cleanses us. Because of The Son’s death and resurrection, legally declared before The Lord, our hearts are without rocks and our backyards without weeds… all the while, under permission of The Father, The Holy Spirit plows away.

"I don't have to be, have or do anything, but rightly respond to The Lord."

Authentic Chinese Accent

It is much better to offend friends by my simplicity than to offend God by my pride.

the post below sounds kind of loopy... when im on less drugs ill edit it. I just got my wisdom teeth pulled-->vicodin, steroids, penacillin, ibuprophen.

sorry peoples. if you're down for a challenge read it now.

When diagnosis leads to perspective....the blessing.

So I suppose this is an update. I have no idea how I wrote so religiously a year ago... blogging doesn't feel natural anymore. But for the sake of one reader being blessed, here is what's on my heart.



Last week I was diagnosed with endometriosis. It’s a disease that about 3% of women are born with. It is progressive, incurable and not well understood. Although the cause is unknown, the basics of it is this: cells that develop every month to form the lining of my uterus grow where they are not supposed to-literally outside "endo" of the uterus. They spread throughout the pelvic area-the fallopian tubes, the bladder, the rectum, the intestine...and form growths. For most women it is painless. For me, it has been quite excruciating.

Although I had noticed the pain over the last few years, it wasn't until this Christmas/New Year’s season when I was eating dinner with my family at my aunt's house that I realized this mysterious pain had gotten worse.

I ended up finding all these comments on yahoo answers in which women described the exact same pain. But one comment in particular struck me. This lady explained how she was diagnosed with endometriosis. When she talked about the pain-I knew exactly what she was talking about. Then she mentioned affiliated symptoms-I realized I had them too! She described everything so perfectly that I got kind of excited-"yes, there is a name for this condition I have, and other people have it, which means doctors know about it."

I was super excited until she started throwing around the words "miscarriage" and "infertility."

Frantically I started doing more research on endometriosis. After reading through it on WebMD a few times, I realized I had every single symptom with the exception of one. Infertility. There is no "test" for infertility. The diagnosis is made after years of attempt to conceive without success.

My past came back to haunt me. Never had I attempted to conceive...but it dawned on me that I've been unreasonably lucky for such a vast history of reckless mistakes and bondage to sin.

"Ohh No.. Lord could it be? Has it been all along?"

I had to get my heart right. At that point I knew the only thing that mattered was being in a state where I could genuinely praise God; Job chapters 1-2 quickly came to mind. Before I could leave, my Aunt Ardy walked in the room and asked what was wrong. I showed her the site and before I knew it I was in her arms...both crying as she prayed.

On my drive home I cried out to Him.

"I'll miss out on everything. Everything! No children God? No children!... Who would want me-I'm a broken woman. What does it even mean to be a woman if I can't bear children. I'll be alone, Father. All these prayers I had been praying for years...this prayer journal for my husband- it has been to no one this whole time hasn't it? What a waste. And my dreams God.. The dreams I thought you gave me... a family run coffee shop...nonetheless a family!. And how would I ever become a woman's pastor? I won't ever know what it means to be a woman. I'm broken God...I'm broken. I'll miss everything."


With nudges in my heart He answered me ''Yes. You will miss everything-you will miss everything if you keep looking around you. But if you look at Me, you will miss nothing."


Supernaturally I felt comforted as I realized...there is no mother and daughter in heaven. No husband and wife. Simply, we are all sons and daughters of Him Our Father and little brothers and little sisters of Jesus, the Firstborn over all creation. Glory beyond glory...surpassing joy beyond all joy. For all Eternity.

I realized that this is where I need to exist: God's dwelling place.

There are two realities; the one in which our physical bodies decay and the one in which angels are gathered around a throne, singing to Our Messiah....

I realized that as long as The Lord has me live in the physical, I must live as if looking from the transcendent. I must look at Earth as if looking into the past from Heaven.


The next day I went to the Doctors. (That morning I called to make an appointment-what a blessing that I got one later that afternoon. God is Good.) My general physician and the doctor in charge of that department agreed that I most likely have endometriosis. They referred me to the OBGYN/Gynecology department and told me I should expect a call from them in about a week to schedule an appointment.

Only a few hours after I got home, I received the gyno. department's call. The receptionist informed me that my appointment was set for Jan 20th. I told her I would be out of town from Jan 8th until Jan 23rd. She bumped me back to the 27th. But right before hanging up, I abruptly asked if she had any openings before the 8th. Amazingly, they had one available time slot-the day before my flight. (God is good!)

At my appointment, my gynecologist explained to my Aunt and me how the only way to confidently rule out all other possibilities is via biopsy. Unfortunately the diagnostic procedure generally leads to scaring and the scarring increases chances of infertility. To avoid unnecessary scarring and unnecessary surgery, I was clinically diagnosed (as with most cases of endometriosis.) The diagnosis is considered official depending on how I respond to treatment. (I have 6 months of treatment-so hopefully we will know for sure by July).

When I get back to San Diego I have a scheduled ultrasound to check for any irregularities. Depending on the severity of endometriosis, large growths have the potential to rupture and cause serious health problems. Also, endometriosis has similar symptoms as ovarian cancer. "They are linked but their connection is not well understood. In rare cases, endometriosis of the ovaries can become cancerous." We are going to pay close attention to how my treatment goes, as ovarian cancer runs in my mother's side of the family (my great-aunt died from it at 23).


In summary...

this year has started with some health issues. But my endometriosis is a blessing and an answer to prayer.

The other day I was reading through my prayers for 2010 I realized what I desire most:

"More than my future husband, more than my future kids, more than the coffee shop, more than sharing The Gospel even... I desire rest Lord. Rest like a baby. Like a newborn, wrapped tightly in her mother's arms-she is unaware of her surroundings. She is unaware of the issues of society, she is not even slightly curious of the world around her... she simply exists. She is completely dependent on this person...completely vulnerable. She knows nothing about her mother but at the same time she knows, 'this is my mother, my provision, my nurturer'...she has perfect trust. Lord this is what I desire."

In reading through my prayers from the past, some as old as from 2006... I noticed that I had asked The Lord for a heart to adopt. I even prayed about a dream I had in which I adopted a boy from a Romanian prison. As I read through these prayers, I reasoned with God:

"It won't be the same Lord. I know I prayed for it then, but I still want my own kids"

"Are you not my own?" He rebuked me.

I realized that The Lord has adopted me...but I'm not any less His.



I do not pretend to know the future, but If I ever do get married and do adopt, I know God will show me how the love parents have for their adopted children is real. I know adoption will be a blessing for my faith....something God will use to show me His faithfulness and to remove any of my fears and doubts of His love for me.



In the meantime... He is training me to live as if from Heaven. Eternity with The Lord is not merely our future hope, it is the reality which our mind, heart and soul live in.