Looking out into the sea from sunset cliffs during a sunrise with a dear friend...

Not only does God declare himself through the beauty of creation, He teaches us through it.

Often times I find myself wanting to know the plan or make a plan for almost everything I do. Even cleaning my house on a Saturday morning has a schedual: written-out tasks, directions, and a timeline by which these things ought to follow. For me, control is comfort; knowing that I'm governing the little things in my life brings me great satisfaction.
Sometimes when my day doesn't carry-out according to the schedual I create, I'm thrown off by dissapointment. Sometimes when my life doesn't carry-out as anticipated, I'm thrown off by fear.

When death happens, when addiction sneaks in, when depression consumes...when all the things that I never dreamed of happening in my life end up happening in my life, but not necessarily to me, I'm startled. When the reality of my un-control in a situation hits me...I feel helpless: not sorry, but confused and helpless.


In being so dissastisfied by "the uncontrolable" in my life, how is it that the ocean can mesmorize me?
Waves, although constant, are unpredictable. Watch a wave like you watch a child; notice how free spirited and unruly it is as it seems to decide its own power and direction.
How is this soothing? It is. But how can it be; for it is completely out of control, out of my control.

My conclusion: the things in which we are in no way capable of controling, or fully understanding for that matter, we have subconciously already submitted to. Before thinking about them, we have accepted its existence and its awe. We dare not attempt in being the governor of them because they are bigger than us and far beyond us: black holes, the expansion of the universe, the mystery of how everything was "bang-ed" as in the big bang theory and where everything that was "bang-ed" came from...
The ocean, although basic, has waves which fall in this category of awe.

God governs the world. He governs the ocean and every wave which arrives from it. In this way we can see God teach us that acceptance of our uncontrol, and submission by awe produces not comfort, but something much bettter: a stable joy. A stability that doesnt adjust according to the inflation of the dollar and a high that doesn't depend on our supply of money or drugs.

Seeing this, isn't it time we submit already? Submit by awe and accept our place in this world-in God...

....like a tree

We are established in God.

A tree, deep in its roots, is nearly as deep as it is high. The other day I was thinking, what if I lost everything..If everything I held onto suddenly dissipated before my eyes: my family, my friends, my house, my possessions, my sight, my hearing, my health...
I wondered how I would recieve such a shift in familiarity. My biggest fear was my "lack-of-usefulness" in His kingdom; that I would no longer be capable of bearing fruit, none-the-less good fruit.
I remember my favorite tree when I was little. It stood in the front yard until my mom decided to have it cut down. For a long time it was a sad looking stump-but now, if I were to go outside to look for it I wouldn't be able to find it. Over the years it must have melt into the ground-being consumed by grass, fertilzier and dirt.
Although the entire tree and everything that came from it-the birds, the shade, the flowers-is out of sight, I realized the other day that the roots are still in the ground.
When the gardners removed the tree, they removed it from the trunk; they by-no-means dug into the ground to displace every root, they only removed what was visible.

Like a tree and its roots, how glorious is Jesus Christ as our foundation. We could have nothing in our hands, or even no hands at all, and we would still recieve God's love. Life could strip us of everything, leaving us vulnerable, incapable, and immobile, but our souls are rooted in Truth-unattainable and safe in God's hands.


But isn't this analogy also applicable to sin? And the impression sin leaves on our hearts?

Perhaps just recently you've committed, yet one more time, to discontinue your habitual sin. Perhaps its sexual immorality, drugs, or drunkenness...whatever it is, realize that you've cut the trunk, but the roots are still there.

Maybe today, just like a few months ago, you've decided to wait until marriage or to drink only in moderation...that is good, but its not enough. With any habitual sin we must dig for understanding-why are we still caught up in this? We have spent enough time in this sin, have we not?

Ladies-my sisters, please trust that God's way is beautiful. That you no longer need the admiration of the world because you have the admiration of The Creator of the universe. You captivate Him. In His eyes, you are indeed enough, and not too much. Who are you looking to to be desired by? Understand that all the worth in the world doesn't compare to you. Your body, your heart... God finds it sacred and beautiful.
You are worth more than the number of boys... you are worth more than the number on your jeans... than the number of karats on your finger...The world cannot put a price on you thats even within reach of the price that God gives you. Turn away from your sin, knowing that your value comes from God not men: that your beauty comes from your righetousness not your waist size.

Rather than cutting down a bad tree, like trimming a weed, I urge you to uproot it. Don't just turn from your sin in a way that is tangible, cleanse your heart and heal. In the way that you wouldn't leave the roots of a weed in the same soil you want to plant a garden in, rid your heart of splinters from the past so your soil will be fertile for righetousness.

philoxenia-the love of a stranger

John 3:16- "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

Basic right? You know this verse, maybe you have it memorized? Maybe you've seen it on the bottom of your fries at In-N-Out or on the back of your Forever 21 bag-regardless, this verse is familiar. So unpack it; what does it mean?
"He gave His Son" as in He gave away His Son. He had something and by choice decided not to have it anymore. And why? For the sake of relationship with us of course.
Back in the day, even "the most righteous" of God's followers, the rabbis, were too wicked to be in the holy presence of The Lord. There was literally a curtain that separated the holy from the unholy-the righteous from the wicked, the sinless from the sinful: the spirit of The Lord from His people.
By sending His Son, God was making a statement: "forget your wickedness; I don't care that I am holy and that you are not...I want a relationship with you. Yeah, so what that you fall short or reject my ways, I want to be intimate with you." Literally, this "Holy of Holies" veil tore from top to bottom at the moment of Jesus' death. (Mark 15:38)
Now, as God gave away His Son to have a relationship with the unrighteous, we too have a sacrifice to make. This sacrifice is our comfort-as in our comfort zones with people-so that we may have a relationship with "the unrighteous," "the lost," "the sinner"...etc.

John 3:16 is valid, but keep reading into verse 17 and you'll see that we are reminded "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him."
"If anyone hears My saying and does not keep them, I do not judge them; for I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world." -John 12:47 (P.S. this is JESUS speaking.)
If the Lord himself came not to judge His children, who am I to do so? Who are we to hold bitterness to the friend who wronged us, to the partner who cheated, to the community who gossiped, to the parent who betrayed and left? Who are we to fear the homosexual, the one who is defiant, the people who are different? Who are we to love only those we want to when we want to?
God's love is free and for all-therefore our love ought to be free and for all. Not only are we called to love, we are commanded to love. "You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18. If you're not so into Leviticus, look in Matthew 22:39: "The second [greatest and foremost commandment] is You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

What do commandments have in common? They are actions we are to do or actions we are not to do. One of my tendencies is to say that it is impossible to love everyone. Perhaps it is nearly impossible to feel love towards everyone, but in relating love to the way it is referred to in the Bible, loving is in action-something tangible and something doable. In 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous..." note how the characteristics of love are characteristics that can be acted out. Think of Biblical examples of love. Most if not all do not consist of one person merely saying "I love you" or acknowledging a feeling of love, rather, Biblical examples consist of an action that was taken towards another.

God's commandment is not focused on having love (as in a noun) but on loving (as a in a verb.) Luckily, The Lord knows us. When it is hard for us to forgive someone or to look past a sin, with diligent prayer and intended time in scripture/with God, He can transform our hearts. But regardless of the genuineness of our hearts, in giving our lives to Him we have lost our rights to dismiss His commandments, including his commandment to love-to express love, to show love, to love on.

Just as God sacrificed His Son so that He could be intimate with the sinful, we are called to sacrifice our comfort zones so that we too may look at one another who have sinned and not hold prejudice. This we can do by carrying-out love; for we don't need to feel love to do love.

Again I reminisce as I revist Jenny9036. *Note that the post I quote has no relevance to anything current in my life; likewise, the thoughts discussed within the post I quote have no place in my current mentality. I blog simply because I am fascinated by my old mind.



Friday, March 09, 2007
Currently Listening Electric Warrior By T. Rex Life is a Gas
"life with people"
it seems like as we are flung into a new environment we make and drop friends left and right..some we keep and love forever but then there are those who we think will be at our wedding when really two weeks later the entire friendship has long-past terminated. I suppose as we get older we learn not to trust everyone nor always give people the benefit of the doubt; with each terminated friendship like notches on a belt, we gradually build a wall stronger and taller than the one before. This seems silly-as children and young teenagers we are much more vulnerable yet it is only during that era of our lives do we play with all the kids on the playground and try to make nice with all tables in the cafeteria. Only until our belts get tighter do we decide that being liked by all is hardly a priority and that strangers have to earn our time and earn a chance to be one who we choose to know. However and unfortunately the separtion between the individuals who still lie to be liked and those who just want to end their lives having made one or two sincere and honest friends occasionally intersects by the overlap of fate and forced situation. In this overlap, more lies are told and notches are tightened and both the liars and the ones on gaurd remain within their category of behavior. Without enlightenment of your own behaviors and which category you fall in, you will always feel trapped in the comfortless state of overlap. Realize that those who lie to be liked are liked only in lies and liked only by liars. From the begining, the relationship between two people of opposing mentalities is frail and only sustains by the feeding of untruth and the irresponsible allowing of or ignorance of being fed. Ultimately this relationship is doomed, and one way or another both egos are bruised. Pointing fingers is pointless, as there is no one at fault. It is simply a matter of mentality. You can indeed choose who your friends are before they have a chance, there is nothing wrong in having a watchful eye of others' behaviors and keeping toll of which crowd they follow. Some may say this is being quick to judge, and yes, they are right. However only those still car-salesmaning in the cafeteria are the ones who believe this is a bad thing. If right off the bat your radar is not in tune enough to determine who is worthy enough to enjoy your presence, you are nothing more than a sheep. Given it happens, when you choose wrong, it is with this detection of an erroneous decision and the action which follows that determines the stability of one's center....an unstable center will cause the character to crumble.
7:07 PM - add BLING BLING - add RIBS - email it


I was so untrusting. I had no faith in people...no love. Too selfish for free love. But as I swim through the past, I realize that these posts are the footprints of God's transformation in me. A visual reminder, that God was at work even before I started praying...before I even knew I was walking...perhaps in response and faithfullness to prayers of the warrior(s) around me and most definately because He had faith that one day I would love Him back.

Obviously God didn't tell me to think those things in my old post...yet I know now that He let me think them. He let me have that mentality so that I could break out of my identity on frat row. At that time I felt sufficated by people who party, and even more so by my own self. I felt as though this rancid happiness was vaccuuming me into being just another product of too many mixed drinks, a push-up bra, and wasted time on a scale. In the same way that a clown seems to force happiness but creates anxiety, everything was too comfortable... and to me this meant endless.
In complete desperation and not knowing where to turn, the only thing I understood was who I needed to turn from. I had to ditch my friends-I forced myself into "unidentity"; it was the only way I could ensure no association with my past. I moved into a different dorm and claimed sobriety.
Your friends are who you are-agree or disagree...but its inevitable, you can become the spinning image of them, for better or for worse. I decided that having no friends was better than having bad ones.
Harsh. Judgemental. Yes, absolutely. But I knew that the way I was living wasn't the way that I was meant to live; but I knew too that if I were put in a room with a lighter and a packed bowl, with the flick of a light (litterally) I would revert to habit.
Like a shark smelling blood and fighting its instincts to feed, I realized I was too weak to even know people accepting of this false happiness, none-the-less bathe in it. The only way I felt I could get out and not look back was by living in bitterness and holding people to rediculous standards and expectations-measured by me, of course.

As I look back, I yearn for forgiveness for all the things I said and did in trying to break away. It was never about the individuals as much as it was about their lifestyle and how much it influenced my weak flesh. Although thankful for my lesson, I'm sorry I hurt so many people on my way to understanding.

In analyzing and comparing truth for me then on March 9, 2007 and truth for me now...some of March remains. There are indeed some people whom I should probably never know again, and there are indeed some places where I should never again step foot in...yet my revision comes by understanding that its not because of others' weaknesses that make them whom I ought to avoid, rather its because of my own. Grasping the weakness of my flesh is what converts posts like these "life-with-people-revelations" into humble convictions from God.

"God feeds the sparrows."

God feeds the sparrows...and then some. What has God done for you? Feedback = necessary. ;)

"Oh you of little faith...."

What am I doing with my life... How is it that I'm at SDSU and not at a Bible College learning what I have a passion for?
Surely its God, who situated me here at Brockbank, on purpose, as mentioned in the earlier post. But I applied to SDSU in the midst of my father's illness-completely apathetic and oblivious to other universities. State was the only school I applied to, and knowing that I would get in, I didn't even think twice-I didn't care.
Clearly because of where I was in my faith in my first year, I wouldn't have been ready for Bible College; I don't think I even knew they existed none the less had any intentions of applying to one.
But here I am, looking at the curiculum of Horizon and (like an ill-tempered child) I cry a river of unnecessary tears: why can't I have that? Why couldn't that curiculum have been mine?
How can I know I need to be at state but at the same time yearn for the 4-year plan at Horizon. When I look at the classes, I can't help but think I missed out simply because of my apathty for college...and life even...4 years ago (during my college apps season.) If only I cared a little more-if only I knew God a little better, where could I be? How much more efficiently could I be serving Him right now? How much less would I have jipped him of this life?
I'm angry it took me this long to see God in a new light yet even more frustrated that I still choose to walk away. Such a waste. Back and fourth, back and fourth, obedient-disobedient.. when will it please stop? Why do I feel like I need a worthy purpose in order to seek Him? How is it that I'm too thick headed to full-heartedly see that His love alone is a reason that makes Him worth seeking...Since when did I reduce my relationship with God to nothing shy of a treaty: if You do this, I'll do that. When did I slip into feeling so entitled...

...I know someone who needs to be humbled.

I thought He showed me where He wanted me. Certainly it is in the church, in ministry if not youth ministry specifically. But why am I so far behind? How could he choose me for something like this-I'm too lost and broken, unknowledgable and stubborn, and way too sterile in His kindgom to ammount to being a Youth Pastor none the less an example for such impressionable minds.
Sure sure, God equips the unequipped...But I don't want to hear that.
What I want is a mentor...an internship-someone whom I can thrive and learn from-'God train me already; prepare me for this. Show me how....please, help my unbelief.'

I've never been so glad to be homesick...

I suppose it takes a few thousand miles, the other side of the pacific ocean and too many tears to count to realize the blessings God has so strategically placed in my life. San Diego, CA: Brockbank Place-my very own culdesac of love. How could one street, so catering to my specific needs, be just as a blessing in unique ways for each of the other 30 girls who live down the hall, next door or a few driveways over?...The love that is freely given to me there is so forgiving, so genuine and so solid in Christ, that it is easy to forget that it wasn't just intended for me.
Through these girls I've met God in community; I understand now how He intended for people to live. To live alone-whether physically alone, or alone in identity with Christ-is not how I thrive, nor is it, as I believe, how any of His people thrive.
God situated me at Brockbank Place, with each of those girls, and not one less, to reveal himself to me. Each sister, with specific gifts and purposes, is necessary for my greater understanding of The Lord. Its a picture: growing more and more complete with every new addition and with every new friendship.

Who is God? What is His nature? How am I significant to His purpose?....
Luckily for me, I don't need to go to Israel, Costa Rica or Japan to help find the answers to these questions....There are some things that even going to church, reading The Word, or fasting and praying can't reveal:
Living, day to day, with the women of God is unlike any other ministry and is a beauty in itself. No, its not perfect; sure, some days it falls short of God's intentions; but yes, we're still learning-together; and hallelujah yes, were seeking God-together.

We make mistakes and there are cracks Satan gets a hold of, but that doesn't make Brockbank Place any less of a blessing to my life. God utilizes these girls, my strenghts, and my weaknesses, like none other in training me to become the woman He has intended.

There is not much I know about God, nor is there a whole lot I understand about myself...but praise Jesus He has provided me with Alpha Delta Chi to help me figure things out and to catch me when I fall.