It started with a bluejay and ended with a handshake

After weeks of desolate brokenness... and sneaking in and out of spiritual rehab a few times, God sent me a blue-jay (the most intracet phone call ever) and He called me out.


He called me out... on my heart and my prayers-how hardened I've been, "I'm not so sure how bad I want you" was the secret mentality that plagued communication with Him. Ouch.

He called me out... of jail: bondage. This time around in the jail of my flesh, it wasn't my one phone call to God, rather, it was Him calling me. Ring, Ring, Ring-his very own spirit in me dialing the numbers for help, waiting, and answering: "Oh Jen, I'm glad you picked up... Can you get me out of here-this place is awful, I want to go home."


He called me out... of rehab-the "fixing" of my spirit. Enough is Enough-stop dwelling and stop believing restoration with God is a process...as one wise woman pointed out-"it's done." He has already forgiven me! "Jen, let's not waste time being akward or too careful-I know you, we're okay again. I have things I want you to do, can you let it go?"
Only days later, the same reminder would come from a different mentor-like-figure in my life, his encouragement being "once you've gotton here (to the point of realizing you want to turn back) you've already gotton to where you need to be-you're there."

[How can I be sure He wants to bless me? Yes I know he loves me, I know he wants me...but how can I be sure he wants me to be happy? These were my selfish doubts that sat in my mind for the last month. Isn't happiness only through God, dare I say...limiting? What about boys? What about clubs? What about fun? His way might not be any fun...

As these ideas sat, and stirred, and invaded my will to obey...I dilly-dallied off the road that so many before me have worked hard to pave straight so that I, and people like me, would know that truely this is the road to be taken, this is the road worthwhile. I ignored the gold asphalt and decided I would look for some dirt, "just in case its better."]



Tuesday, about 4pm

Upon arriving at The Rock to put in some volunteer time and seeing if the Facilities team needs an extra set of hands, I was given a ticket to see Chris Tomlin. I wasn't even aware he was in town, none-the-less playing at The Rock that night...what a pleasent suprise.

It was fantastic. Liberating. God picked me up from jail and drove me home. Ironic how the songs I caught (juggling working the merch table and enjoying the show) came from his album "Arriving."

Down at the front someone kept saying, Galations 5:1! Galations 5:1! Some how I knew it was for me... this morning I looked it up:

"For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery."

Yes, I am free! Thats me! Like Matthew 5:45 "..and God sends down the rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.." The unrighteous, thats me! The rain is for me too, His GRACE is for me too!


The show, liberating.
Breaking down, cleaning up & talking with a new-found beloved "older brother:" healing.
I thought it ended there, but God planned otherwise. Not desiring, not guessing, not expecting...some how the 4 of us left got to meet Chris Tomlin and Israel!

That hand shake wasn't excitting because it was Chris Tomlin, it was excitting because God showed me "Look, I can plan the last 8 hours of your life better than your imagination...won't you trust me with the youthgroup? The coffee shop? Your husband? Your life..."

My handshake was with God: Yes, God. I trust you & I'm back, let's shake on it."

Let us not be frazzled by our past or the stir the deciever creates by it. For the sins we have committed yesterday, having repented and turned away, are nothing more than that-yesterday's sins.
If we are to assign old sin with worth, as in consider it worthy enough to talk about, then its value lies only in finding it as an opportunity to glorify God:to express it as an example of His divine love, mercy, and compassion.
We have been transformed-for we are transformed, indeed already redeemed and made new: made stronger, wiser, and more in the like of His beautiful image. So let us not be weary in who we are today, because who we are today is not who we were yesterday.

*Challenge: give God the credit, and be reminded of His desire and capability to forgive us of our sins and to transform "what was" into "what ought to be," so that "what ought to be" is "what is."

**Give God the credit, and be reminded that these things, in Jesus' name, have already been done-both for you and your brother.

Looking out into the sea from sunset cliffs during a sunrise with a dear friend...

Not only does God declare himself through the beauty of creation, He teaches us through it.

Often times I find myself wanting to know the plan or make a plan for almost everything I do. Even cleaning my house on a Saturday morning has a schedual: written-out tasks, directions, and a timeline by which these things ought to follow. For me, control is comfort; knowing that I'm governing the little things in my life brings me great satisfaction.
Sometimes when my day doesn't carry-out according to the schedual I create, I'm thrown off by dissapointment. Sometimes when my life doesn't carry-out as anticipated, I'm thrown off by fear.

When death happens, when addiction sneaks in, when depression consumes...when all the things that I never dreamed of happening in my life end up happening in my life, but not necessarily to me, I'm startled. When the reality of my un-control in a situation hits me...I feel helpless: not sorry, but confused and helpless.


In being so dissastisfied by "the uncontrolable" in my life, how is it that the ocean can mesmorize me?
Waves, although constant, are unpredictable. Watch a wave like you watch a child; notice how free spirited and unruly it is as it seems to decide its own power and direction.
How is this soothing? It is. But how can it be; for it is completely out of control, out of my control.

My conclusion: the things in which we are in no way capable of controling, or fully understanding for that matter, we have subconciously already submitted to. Before thinking about them, we have accepted its existence and its awe. We dare not attempt in being the governor of them because they are bigger than us and far beyond us: black holes, the expansion of the universe, the mystery of how everything was "bang-ed" as in the big bang theory and where everything that was "bang-ed" came from...
The ocean, although basic, has waves which fall in this category of awe.

God governs the world. He governs the ocean and every wave which arrives from it. In this way we can see God teach us that acceptance of our uncontrol, and submission by awe produces not comfort, but something much bettter: a stable joy. A stability that doesnt adjust according to the inflation of the dollar and a high that doesn't depend on our supply of money or drugs.

Seeing this, isn't it time we submit already? Submit by awe and accept our place in this world-in God...

....like a tree

We are established in God.

A tree, deep in its roots, is nearly as deep as it is high. The other day I was thinking, what if I lost everything..If everything I held onto suddenly dissipated before my eyes: my family, my friends, my house, my possessions, my sight, my hearing, my health...
I wondered how I would recieve such a shift in familiarity. My biggest fear was my "lack-of-usefulness" in His kingdom; that I would no longer be capable of bearing fruit, none-the-less good fruit.
I remember my favorite tree when I was little. It stood in the front yard until my mom decided to have it cut down. For a long time it was a sad looking stump-but now, if I were to go outside to look for it I wouldn't be able to find it. Over the years it must have melt into the ground-being consumed by grass, fertilzier and dirt.
Although the entire tree and everything that came from it-the birds, the shade, the flowers-is out of sight, I realized the other day that the roots are still in the ground.
When the gardners removed the tree, they removed it from the trunk; they by-no-means dug into the ground to displace every root, they only removed what was visible.

Like a tree and its roots, how glorious is Jesus Christ as our foundation. We could have nothing in our hands, or even no hands at all, and we would still recieve God's love. Life could strip us of everything, leaving us vulnerable, incapable, and immobile, but our souls are rooted in Truth-unattainable and safe in God's hands.


But isn't this analogy also applicable to sin? And the impression sin leaves on our hearts?

Perhaps just recently you've committed, yet one more time, to discontinue your habitual sin. Perhaps its sexual immorality, drugs, or drunkenness...whatever it is, realize that you've cut the trunk, but the roots are still there.

Maybe today, just like a few months ago, you've decided to wait until marriage or to drink only in moderation...that is good, but its not enough. With any habitual sin we must dig for understanding-why are we still caught up in this? We have spent enough time in this sin, have we not?

Ladies-my sisters, please trust that God's way is beautiful. That you no longer need the admiration of the world because you have the admiration of The Creator of the universe. You captivate Him. In His eyes, you are indeed enough, and not too much. Who are you looking to to be desired by? Understand that all the worth in the world doesn't compare to you. Your body, your heart... God finds it sacred and beautiful.
You are worth more than the number of boys... you are worth more than the number on your jeans... than the number of karats on your finger...The world cannot put a price on you thats even within reach of the price that God gives you. Turn away from your sin, knowing that your value comes from God not men: that your beauty comes from your righetousness not your waist size.

Rather than cutting down a bad tree, like trimming a weed, I urge you to uproot it. Don't just turn from your sin in a way that is tangible, cleanse your heart and heal. In the way that you wouldn't leave the roots of a weed in the same soil you want to plant a garden in, rid your heart of splinters from the past so your soil will be fertile for righetousness.

philoxenia-the love of a stranger

John 3:16- "For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

Basic right? You know this verse, maybe you have it memorized? Maybe you've seen it on the bottom of your fries at In-N-Out or on the back of your Forever 21 bag-regardless, this verse is familiar. So unpack it; what does it mean?
"He gave His Son" as in He gave away His Son. He had something and by choice decided not to have it anymore. And why? For the sake of relationship with us of course.
Back in the day, even "the most righteous" of God's followers, the rabbis, were too wicked to be in the holy presence of The Lord. There was literally a curtain that separated the holy from the unholy-the righteous from the wicked, the sinless from the sinful: the spirit of The Lord from His people.
By sending His Son, God was making a statement: "forget your wickedness; I don't care that I am holy and that you are not...I want a relationship with you. Yeah, so what that you fall short or reject my ways, I want to be intimate with you." Literally, this "Holy of Holies" veil tore from top to bottom at the moment of Jesus' death. (Mark 15:38)
Now, as God gave away His Son to have a relationship with the unrighteous, we too have a sacrifice to make. This sacrifice is our comfort-as in our comfort zones with people-so that we may have a relationship with "the unrighteous," "the lost," "the sinner"...etc.

John 3:16 is valid, but keep reading into verse 17 and you'll see that we are reminded "For God did not send the Son into the world to judge the world, but that the world might be saved through Him."
"If anyone hears My saying and does not keep them, I do not judge them; for I did not come to judge the world, but to save the world." -John 12:47 (P.S. this is JESUS speaking.)
If the Lord himself came not to judge His children, who am I to do so? Who are we to hold bitterness to the friend who wronged us, to the partner who cheated, to the community who gossiped, to the parent who betrayed and left? Who are we to fear the homosexual, the one who is defiant, the people who are different? Who are we to love only those we want to when we want to?
God's love is free and for all-therefore our love ought to be free and for all. Not only are we called to love, we are commanded to love. "You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the Lord." Leviticus 19:18. If you're not so into Leviticus, look in Matthew 22:39: "The second [greatest and foremost commandment] is You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

What do commandments have in common? They are actions we are to do or actions we are not to do. One of my tendencies is to say that it is impossible to love everyone. Perhaps it is nearly impossible to feel love towards everyone, but in relating love to the way it is referred to in the Bible, loving is in action-something tangible and something doable. In 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous..." note how the characteristics of love are characteristics that can be acted out. Think of Biblical examples of love. Most if not all do not consist of one person merely saying "I love you" or acknowledging a feeling of love, rather, Biblical examples consist of an action that was taken towards another.

God's commandment is not focused on having love (as in a noun) but on loving (as a in a verb.) Luckily, The Lord knows us. When it is hard for us to forgive someone or to look past a sin, with diligent prayer and intended time in scripture/with God, He can transform our hearts. But regardless of the genuineness of our hearts, in giving our lives to Him we have lost our rights to dismiss His commandments, including his commandment to love-to express love, to show love, to love on.

Just as God sacrificed His Son so that He could be intimate with the sinful, we are called to sacrifice our comfort zones so that we too may look at one another who have sinned and not hold prejudice. This we can do by carrying-out love; for we don't need to feel love to do love.

Again I reminisce as I revist Jenny9036. *Note that the post I quote has no relevance to anything current in my life; likewise, the thoughts discussed within the post I quote have no place in my current mentality. I blog simply because I am fascinated by my old mind.



Friday, March 09, 2007
Currently Listening Electric Warrior By T. Rex Life is a Gas
"life with people"
it seems like as we are flung into a new environment we make and drop friends left and right..some we keep and love forever but then there are those who we think will be at our wedding when really two weeks later the entire friendship has long-past terminated. I suppose as we get older we learn not to trust everyone nor always give people the benefit of the doubt; with each terminated friendship like notches on a belt, we gradually build a wall stronger and taller than the one before. This seems silly-as children and young teenagers we are much more vulnerable yet it is only during that era of our lives do we play with all the kids on the playground and try to make nice with all tables in the cafeteria. Only until our belts get tighter do we decide that being liked by all is hardly a priority and that strangers have to earn our time and earn a chance to be one who we choose to know. However and unfortunately the separtion between the individuals who still lie to be liked and those who just want to end their lives having made one or two sincere and honest friends occasionally intersects by the overlap of fate and forced situation. In this overlap, more lies are told and notches are tightened and both the liars and the ones on gaurd remain within their category of behavior. Without enlightenment of your own behaviors and which category you fall in, you will always feel trapped in the comfortless state of overlap. Realize that those who lie to be liked are liked only in lies and liked only by liars. From the begining, the relationship between two people of opposing mentalities is frail and only sustains by the feeding of untruth and the irresponsible allowing of or ignorance of being fed. Ultimately this relationship is doomed, and one way or another both egos are bruised. Pointing fingers is pointless, as there is no one at fault. It is simply a matter of mentality. You can indeed choose who your friends are before they have a chance, there is nothing wrong in having a watchful eye of others' behaviors and keeping toll of which crowd they follow. Some may say this is being quick to judge, and yes, they are right. However only those still car-salesmaning in the cafeteria are the ones who believe this is a bad thing. If right off the bat your radar is not in tune enough to determine who is worthy enough to enjoy your presence, you are nothing more than a sheep. Given it happens, when you choose wrong, it is with this detection of an erroneous decision and the action which follows that determines the stability of one's center....an unstable center will cause the character to crumble.
7:07 PM - add BLING BLING - add RIBS - email it


I was so untrusting. I had no faith in people...no love. Too selfish for free love. But as I swim through the past, I realize that these posts are the footprints of God's transformation in me. A visual reminder, that God was at work even before I started praying...before I even knew I was walking...perhaps in response and faithfullness to prayers of the warrior(s) around me and most definately because He had faith that one day I would love Him back.

Obviously God didn't tell me to think those things in my old post...yet I know now that He let me think them. He let me have that mentality so that I could break out of my identity on frat row. At that time I felt sufficated by people who party, and even more so by my own self. I felt as though this rancid happiness was vaccuuming me into being just another product of too many mixed drinks, a push-up bra, and wasted time on a scale. In the same way that a clown seems to force happiness but creates anxiety, everything was too comfortable... and to me this meant endless.
In complete desperation and not knowing where to turn, the only thing I understood was who I needed to turn from. I had to ditch my friends-I forced myself into "unidentity"; it was the only way I could ensure no association with my past. I moved into a different dorm and claimed sobriety.
Your friends are who you are-agree or disagree...but its inevitable, you can become the spinning image of them, for better or for worse. I decided that having no friends was better than having bad ones.
Harsh. Judgemental. Yes, absolutely. But I knew that the way I was living wasn't the way that I was meant to live; but I knew too that if I were put in a room with a lighter and a packed bowl, with the flick of a light (litterally) I would revert to habit.
Like a shark smelling blood and fighting its instincts to feed, I realized I was too weak to even know people accepting of this false happiness, none-the-less bathe in it. The only way I felt I could get out and not look back was by living in bitterness and holding people to rediculous standards and expectations-measured by me, of course.

As I look back, I yearn for forgiveness for all the things I said and did in trying to break away. It was never about the individuals as much as it was about their lifestyle and how much it influenced my weak flesh. Although thankful for my lesson, I'm sorry I hurt so many people on my way to understanding.

In analyzing and comparing truth for me then on March 9, 2007 and truth for me now...some of March remains. There are indeed some people whom I should probably never know again, and there are indeed some places where I should never again step foot in...yet my revision comes by understanding that its not because of others' weaknesses that make them whom I ought to avoid, rather its because of my own. Grasping the weakness of my flesh is what converts posts like these "life-with-people-revelations" into humble convictions from God.

"God feeds the sparrows."

God feeds the sparrows...and then some. What has God done for you? Feedback = necessary. ;)