God's Convictions Are Not Suggestions

Rather jet lag and fatigued from both the time change and "exercising" in a gym for the first time in...many months, I laid there on the couch-cozy and ready for bed. Drifting, drifting and before I knew it, I was fast asleep. Suddenly I woke up; my acid reflux told me my esophagus was desperate for a glass of milk. Thinking I had slept a good few hours, only minutes had gone by. After a big glass of "Rice Drink" I laid down again, this time my body meaning business for solid Zs. In the midst of my dream, The Little Voice popped into my head:

"Get up, read your Bible and pray."
Hah...psshh. Nooo.
"Really, get up."
No...I'm pretty sure I'm too tired to get up.
"..(silence)...."
You can't guilt trip me
"......."
I promise I'll read and pray in the morning.

And that was it...no more of those thoughts.There I was, karate-chopping a flower that wanted to be smelled. SNAP, just like that, the little voice was gone. I laid there, so ready for sleep. And then I started thinking...

Who told me those thoughts anyway? Surely they weren't from satan-why would he tell me to read my Bible and pray? Hmm... Surely they weren't from me? For why would I suggest to my ragged aching body, in the midst of beautiful sleep, to get up and do anything other than recoup via REM? Hmm...don't worry about it, go back to sleep.

But I couldn't get back into my dream. Then it dawned on me...

Oh snap-what if they were from God? My very own holy spirit convicting me to sacrifice this sleeping time I think I need so that I can learn something from the Lord...surely if God wanted to tell me something, He would give me the energy to receive it right? So I got out of bed.

The next morning, I read through my journal looking for what I learned that night. To my dismay, I couldn't find the right entry: it was completely lost within other undated prayers. All I could remember from that night was reading the introduction to Colossians and then passing out.
Why would God wake me up and then let me fall asleep on him? I struggled for obedience, then finally I got up; it took me a few minutes but I did it. But for what-to fall asleep and then forget what He taught me? Was it just a test? Did I fail? Was it because I didn't get up quick enough that I cannot remember anything that spoke to me that night? Surely He wanted me to know something...



The parallels to this event and my walk are undeniable. I've asked for God's voice to be louder; faithfully my spirit has become more sensitive. I've asked to know God's laws and daily commandments of me; faithfully he has been revealing them. Regardless of how little or seemingly irrelevant, I hear his convictions and He corrects not only my actions but better yet my thoughts. I can acknowledge all this, yet I struggle with expectation. I find myself trapped between the follow-through and the consequence. I got up when he told me, expecting something just shy of a summer camp high: feeling Jesus all around me as if He were my personal tutor, hand-to-mouth feeding me wisdom.
Sure Jesus is my tutor, but too often I associate obedience with feeling good, or learning with feeling accomplished, and growing with feeling like I am.

Still not understanding the reasons nor the timing of these little commandments, I realize that the only thing relevant is knowing when they are from God. The consequential feeling of obeying has no say in the validity of who commanded it. Since I distinguished His voice from others, I can trust that obeying was necessary; for there is no need to meddle deciding whether obeying felt worth it or not.

Forget how I am feeling-sufficient confirmation or encouragement ought to come from simply recognizing the majesty of the Lord and obeying Him out of fear.