Things over here aren’t going as I expected. I’m realizing that I create expectations for things that God is ultimately in control of. I thought that by coming here-between the distance and the fasting-that I would immediately get that “Jesus-high” (you know what I’m talking about...like at summer camps.) But to be honest I don’t feel like I’m learning. I don’t even feel like I’m growing. Maybe I’m doing something wrong or I need to do something differently… But I don’t know-it just feels like I’m failing miserably at pursuing Him. Is that even possible?
God’s been correcting my thoughts; faithfully, He’s been answering my prayers (I’ve been asking Him to be the first to correct my heart and my actions.) But as his voice gets clearer, I can’t help but realize just how short I fall of being the girl He intended for me to be. I suppose, yet again God is faithful and answering my prayers (for perspective and a humble heart.) He sure is putting me in my place-and as I look around I don’t like what I see.
My spirit is sickened by my flesh.
What kills is that these aren’t the things I knew I struggled with-God has showed me how much more I struggle in areas I didn’t even consider. How arrogant, how ignorant. Of course I struggle in more than just the things I acknowledge-surely these are the things where I struggle the most if I couldn’t even see the problem.
God is good, but I am not. Yes, through God’s grace I have the capacity to live up to what God has already created in me*…but it is a long walk and I see now that I really see nothing at all. I cannot see what is ahead, but I know it’s good. But nor can I see behind me, I get lost in my past every time I even turn my cheek-for its not far behind.
In enduring in this search to know my creator and this pot’s purpose, it has become apparent that my walk has seasons: currently one of thick haze.
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1 comments:
YESS!!!! at last the blogger in you is back. its been what, a week since you've left? and i've been waiting, silently waiting to hear bout yo life girl. i love you oh so much pledge sis! and while you're in the haze of this thick fog, God has the most beautiful rainbow waiting for you. Go find it. Dont be discouraged, the emotions you feel, God knew before you felt them. He breaks us down to rebuild something even more amazing and glorious. Hope to hear more soon. xoxo krio
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