I've never been so glad to be homesick...

I suppose it takes a few thousand miles, the other side of the pacific ocean and too many tears to count to realize the blessings God has so strategically placed in my life. San Diego, CA: Brockbank Place-my very own culdesac of love. How could one street, so catering to my specific needs, be just as a blessing in unique ways for each of the other 30 girls who live down the hall, next door or a few driveways over?...The love that is freely given to me there is so forgiving, so genuine and so solid in Christ, that it is easy to forget that it wasn't just intended for me.
Through these girls I've met God in community; I understand now how He intended for people to live. To live alone-whether physically alone, or alone in identity with Christ-is not how I thrive, nor is it, as I believe, how any of His people thrive.
God situated me at Brockbank Place, with each of those girls, and not one less, to reveal himself to me. Each sister, with specific gifts and purposes, is necessary for my greater understanding of The Lord. Its a picture: growing more and more complete with every new addition and with every new friendship.

Who is God? What is His nature? How am I significant to His purpose?....
Luckily for me, I don't need to go to Israel, Costa Rica or Japan to help find the answers to these questions....There are some things that even going to church, reading The Word, or fasting and praying can't reveal:
Living, day to day, with the women of God is unlike any other ministry and is a beauty in itself. No, its not perfect; sure, some days it falls short of God's intentions; but yes, we're still learning-together; and hallelujah yes, were seeking God-together.

We make mistakes and there are cracks Satan gets a hold of, but that doesn't make Brockbank Place any less of a blessing to my life. God utilizes these girls, my strenghts, and my weaknesses, like none other in training me to become the woman He has intended.

There is not much I know about God, nor is there a whole lot I understand about myself...but praise Jesus He has provided me with Alpha Delta Chi to help me figure things out and to catch me when I fall.

simple and sweet.

loving the simple things...

• Flowers in front of the Kimono museum at Mt. Fuji.
  
• Devoing one afternoon on the base's Starbucks, the Japanese barrista girl wrote a cute little note on my iced tea

Joel 2:12-13

"Yet even now," declares the LORD, "Return to Me with all your heart,
And with fasting, weeping and mourning;
And rend your heart and not your garments."
Now return to the Lord your God,
For He is slow to anger, abounding in loving-kindness and relenting of evil.

Thick Fog Ahead...

Things over here aren’t going as I expected. I’m realizing that I create expectations for things that God is ultimately in control of. I thought that by coming here-between the distance and the fasting-that I would immediately get that “Jesus-high” (you know what I’m talking about...like at summer camps.) But to be honest I don’t feel like I’m learning. I don’t even feel like I’m growing. Maybe I’m doing something wrong or I need to do something differently… But I don’t know-it just feels like I’m failing miserably at pursuing Him. Is that even possible?

God’s been correcting my thoughts; faithfully, He’s been answering my prayers (I’ve been asking Him to be the first to correct my heart and my actions.) But as his voice gets clearer, I can’t help but realize just how short I fall of being the girl He intended for me to be. I suppose, yet again God is faithful and answering my prayers (for perspective and a humble heart.) He sure is putting me in my place-and as I look around I don’t like what I see.

My spirit is sickened by my flesh.

What kills is that these aren’t the things I knew I struggled with-God has showed me how much more I struggle in areas I didn’t even consider. How arrogant, how ignorant. Of course I struggle in more than just the things I acknowledge-surely these are the things where I struggle the most if I couldn’t even see the problem.

God is good, but I am not. Yes, through God’s grace I have the capacity to live up to what God has already created in me*…but it is a long walk and I see now that I really see nothing at all. I cannot see what is ahead, but I know it’s good. But nor can I see behind me, I get lost in my past every time I even turn my cheek-for its not far behind.

In enduring in this search to know my creator and this pot’s purpose, it has become apparent that my walk has seasons: currently one of thick haze.

* foresthome.org
--> audio archives
--> college briefing
--> Mike Erre
Read Colossians

God's Convictions Are Not Suggestions

Rather jet lag and fatigued from both the time change and "exercising" in a gym for the first time in...many months, I laid there on the couch-cozy and ready for bed. Drifting, drifting and before I knew it, I was fast asleep. Suddenly I woke up; my acid reflux told me my esophagus was desperate for a glass of milk. Thinking I had slept a good few hours, only minutes had gone by. After a big glass of "Rice Drink" I laid down again, this time my body meaning business for solid Zs. In the midst of my dream, The Little Voice popped into my head:

"Get up, read your Bible and pray."
Hah...psshh. Nooo.
"Really, get up."
No...I'm pretty sure I'm too tired to get up.
"..(silence)...."
You can't guilt trip me
"......."
I promise I'll read and pray in the morning.

And that was it...no more of those thoughts.There I was, karate-chopping a flower that wanted to be smelled. SNAP, just like that, the little voice was gone. I laid there, so ready for sleep. And then I started thinking...

Who told me those thoughts anyway? Surely they weren't from satan-why would he tell me to read my Bible and pray? Hmm... Surely they weren't from me? For why would I suggest to my ragged aching body, in the midst of beautiful sleep, to get up and do anything other than recoup via REM? Hmm...don't worry about it, go back to sleep.

But I couldn't get back into my dream. Then it dawned on me...

Oh snap-what if they were from God? My very own holy spirit convicting me to sacrifice this sleeping time I think I need so that I can learn something from the Lord...surely if God wanted to tell me something, He would give me the energy to receive it right? So I got out of bed.

The next morning, I read through my journal looking for what I learned that night. To my dismay, I couldn't find the right entry: it was completely lost within other undated prayers. All I could remember from that night was reading the introduction to Colossians and then passing out.
Why would God wake me up and then let me fall asleep on him? I struggled for obedience, then finally I got up; it took me a few minutes but I did it. But for what-to fall asleep and then forget what He taught me? Was it just a test? Did I fail? Was it because I didn't get up quick enough that I cannot remember anything that spoke to me that night? Surely He wanted me to know something...



The parallels to this event and my walk are undeniable. I've asked for God's voice to be louder; faithfully my spirit has become more sensitive. I've asked to know God's laws and daily commandments of me; faithfully he has been revealing them. Regardless of how little or seemingly irrelevant, I hear his convictions and He corrects not only my actions but better yet my thoughts. I can acknowledge all this, yet I struggle with expectation. I find myself trapped between the follow-through and the consequence. I got up when he told me, expecting something just shy of a summer camp high: feeling Jesus all around me as if He were my personal tutor, hand-to-mouth feeding me wisdom.
Sure Jesus is my tutor, but too often I associate obedience with feeling good, or learning with feeling accomplished, and growing with feeling like I am.

Still not understanding the reasons nor the timing of these little commandments, I realize that the only thing relevant is knowing when they are from God. The consequential feeling of obeying has no say in the validity of who commanded it. Since I distinguished His voice from others, I can trust that obeying was necessary; for there is no need to meddle deciding whether obeying felt worth it or not.

Forget how I am feeling-sufficient confirmation or encouragement ought to come from simply recognizing the majesty of the Lord and obeying Him out of fear.

The world doesn't need to show me knowledge; I already know truth.
The world doesn't need to show me happiness; I already know joy.
The world doesn't need to show me what is good; I already know what is righteous.
The world doesn't need to show me lust; I am already in love.
The world can try to lure me, but I am already sold out.

Can I Have Yo' Numba'?*

God is a flirt. I've never known someone who wanted my heart so bad and was so obvious about it. Everyday the Lord seems to show me things as if to get my attention: kind of like the boy in third grade who would run extra fast or kick the ball extra hard whenever you were around, "look at me, look what I can do." (Or for you guys reading, its like the girl who plays with her necklace while she talks to you.) God is a straight-up flirt and I love it. The Lord offers the most gratifying "pursue-me" relationship-ever; something no boy (or girl) could ever amount to, and the joy of letting yourself "get caught" by Him is something that cannot ever be replaced or fulfilled by a significant other, nor should it be.

I am realizing its okay to acknowledge how much God wants you; its not prideful to know you're being pursued and to feel like you're on the forefront of His mind. We are. Remember your first crush? How that person was the only one you thought about and how you thought about him (her) a lot. How you felt almost desperate to be noticed-and you soaked in every second that you were? How much fun was that!-how exciting. The only part that was a bust was when you weren't noticed, when you weren't fed with attention.

How rad is it that God will never be the boy or the girl who doesn't notice you. God doesn't get tired of showering us with love or dropping hints: he will never say "oh...shes not feeling it, maybe I should move on or find someone else-find myself a rebound" or "Oh. Okay...you're checking out a playa over there- ima holler at this girl for a quick minute 'til you ready." No way, God isn't looking for a quick one, He's already committed to you and is in it for the long run with you; He won't give up and He won't be distracted by someone else who's "more responsive." (Can you say that about any crush?) The amount of attention he gives us is not dependent on how responsive we are, his love for us isn't influenced by how much we love Him. God is solid.

He doesn't want a fling, he wants a marriage and hes already proposed.

The next time you notice the sound the wind makes when it blows through trees, or the power of a wave as it crashes into itself, or even the color and fragrance of a simple daisy-think of it as God flirting with you. Don't for a second think God is being subtle, open your eyes because hes not...he might as well be saying "Excuse me...can I talk to you fo a minute?" Give God your number already.*



P.S. I apologize if you find my implication to God being "ghetto" offensive.

* For those of you who haven't already seen it, you tube "mad tv can i have your number" for a laugh.*