Chosen and Desperate

Back and forth, and in countless other ways, lasting from 9 to 1am, the main debate started along the lines of this:

['Promise us you will get a degree from an accredited school; I promised your dad I would see to it that you earn a degree from an accredited school'
'That is my plan but if God pulls me out of state-whether it is to transfer, to be a missionary or to go to a Bible school, that is something I will pursue full-heartedly.'
'You need to take a little more responsibility, God cannot make the decisions for you.']

Before coming to Tampa I asked for prayer, and indeed I prayed myself, for the opportunity to be a light and to soften hearts. No doubt God has faithfully responded to our prayers and provided me with quite the opportunity. Faithfully-too faithfully?- tonight, God directed my conversation with my uncle, my aunt and my stepmom towards Him. Yet why am I so heartbroken and not overflowing with peace?
Why?...gay marriage, One way, surrendering your life to Jesus, communicating with God, the validity of the Bible, making life changing decisions according to God's will (Miles McPherson's wildest dream of a spiritual debate)...is why.

But is this not exactly what I asked God for? The final straw of our conversation was my bursting into tears and running into the bathroom-only then did my uncle and my aunt call it a night. Soon there after my stepmom paid me a visit with an apology and questions, yet left my room having unleashed the wrath of her hurt from our conflicting beliefs.

Perhaps it is not in God's agenda for me to be the one feeling accomplished and satisfied. Perhaps in professing my faith I will never feel as though I said enough or said it "right." Where do you draw the line between boldly letting out all you believe, and smiling and nodding in an attempt to "protect" comfort, your sanity, your relationships...or the night? Do I ever need to draw the line or does trusting God mean there is no line in caring about how people will take it?

Or maybe more so than softening their hearts, God was trying to humble me. Perhaps I am not called to participate in those types of conversations-I am not "a Miles." I cannot do that-ouch.

But soothing.

The most pivotal part of the night was right before I let my waterworks loose-the moment when I finally realized, 'this conversation is now far beyond me.' Absolutely desperate, I knew I needed prayer-nothing could save me but prayer. Mid-sentence, I looked down at my phone and texted my pledge sisters an ambiguous request to 'please pray for me.'

I would love to say something miraculous happened and I gathered strength and they all got saved-but alas...no. Yes, at one point I gathered myself and the hostile accusations turned into innocent questions, but that didn't seem to last long enough; it was as if the prayers "wore out" like the invincible stars wearing off of Luigi in the old school Super Mario Brother's game. I wanted to text them again-'No really, keep praying.' Instead the direction of the conversation spiraled back down until I just couldn't handle it anymore.

I know more is to come but thus far, I can walk away learning truly who does the saving. I cannot teach faith nor can I even relate it; I fail miserably in trying to explain my own and am far from elegant in answering basic questions. If someone is to love Christ, God's hand must be in it because efforts of a follower alone to save is impossible. How can it be so easy for me to love and pursue God yet so foreign and insane for another?

Tonight: a whole new perspective of a narrow path.

...and so I ask for your prayer

Still recovering from a rough flight into Tampa, my stomach knots and churns and a fever fades in and out. Tired, but desperate to feed my soul, I force myself to stay up and write to God. Nothing but an open door and a few feet of hall separate my grandma's room from the pull-out I'm sleeping on. Her cries of pain seem all to familiar-'didn't I hear these cries, consequences of the same process by which my dad had suffered only 3 years ago in my house?'

At peace? Yes. But then why is it so hard? Why am I so surprised, yet again, by the reality of death? Lord God, it hurts to hear her like this and be so helpless. It hurts that for the other 5 people in the house reality is where it ends. I can't take away this family's pain but God please send me the opportunity to comfort them with your love and your wisdom.

Again I must pause and remind myself-her cancer and their salvation is out of my hands and far beyond me. As God faithfully answers my own prayers and humbles me, I look to Jesus and to you to keep us in your hearts.

Luganda vs. Bike

Today I fell off of my bike...and in an awkward attempt not to run into a parked car, I landed in an uncomfortable bush.

My bike days are over-at least for awhile anyway.

Well, I am falling asleep (regardless of this liquid-satan induced stomach ache) and am think'n I'm done for the night.

Veggie Burrito...Sauce but no cheese

Yesterday was wonderful! First off....Happy Birthday AyyyPaaayy!

I suppose my morning didn't start too wonderful; it was another one of my Charlie Brown days. Early in the morning Matey furiously ran around the house looking for something, so on the 4th time that I saw her walk into the living room I finally asked what in the world she was looking for. "You! There is a cop in our street...see if he is giving you a ticket!" I got my keys and ran outside, and yes, surely he was giving me a ticket. Apparently parking completely perpendicular to the natural curve of the cul-de-sac is illegal. I guess I knew that but since when do we get tickets, $47 tickets, in our street?

My day got better when our Sociology teacher let us out early; usually she uses every minute of that class. I went to the turtle pond and absorbed God's beauty. I was about to take a nap but then I saw a lady bug and for some reason it reminded me to read my Bible. Luuke! I read Luke 5-7 and it was amazing. Afterwards I decided to take a little snooze. When I woke up, there was something undeniably poking into my side (apparently I rolled around) and it was none other than my beloved glasses-no not sunglasses...glasses as in the kind you use for vision.

Since I didn't want to go to class practically blind, I canceled my last class and went to Pokez with Suave. From him I learned a lot, but what really stood out was the idea of seeking God's presence to fill in our voids; how simple yet what turth!

Don't you just love one gnar flem-induced cough followed by the early signs of illness first thing upon rising? Getting sick. As the fatigue sinks in and San Diego gets hotter, all I can think about is that uncomfortable tickle: you know that phase, where a slight dry pain dances with clearing your throat. The right before/in-between stage. In-between stages seem to never be a whole lot of fun; its not satisfying enough.

I think the same thing can be said about my walk. You know when you're at a point where you have already given up the tangible distractions quite some time ago, and recently have had overflowing encounters and lessons with God, but some how you've found yourself in a spiritual "come down?" Nothing obvious and tangible is holding you back, but you stop excelling towards Him. I think God was revealing so much to me, and I was learning so much so quickly, that I got too confident...too comfortable and I just eased up on the gas pedal a little to much.

In meeting tonight God most definitely gave me the conviction I needed to hear:

This life is not mine.

Lately I have noticed that I have been selfish with my time here in this world. I've been deciding when I would read my Bible, when I would do my devos and when I would pour out (to both people I love and strangers.) I keep seeing this man at Starbucks, and every single time I see him, God tells me to talk to him-just as He did when I met the man just-released from prison at Santanas, or the guy sitting alone on campus, or the girl who just found out she was pregnant at alter call and countless others. Each of those times I was able to show God's love in a simple yet bold way. All these accounts continue to give me proof that in listening to God and following through in each calling, God will not fail me; for each of those people, God will give me the opportunity to help them in some way or another.

Trust or opportunity is not the issue. Rather, with this guy at Starbucks, I put off talking to him purely out of not wanting to. I can see it now, I get to heaven and God asks me "Why didn't you talk to the man at Starbucks? Or...etc." and of course my response would be "In my defense God, I just really wasn't in the mood." Figuring I can always listen to/obey God and spread His word later just really isn't cutting it.

This life is not mine.

God=Love

Easter (fell asleep posting...and never posted)
What a beautiful day of the Lord! After church, my family and I gathered at my grandparents to soak in the plethora of food and abundant love. Like all Fridays and Holidays, the grandchildren piled into the living room and spent hours rotating between playing super smash bros brawl and eating second helpings (and thirds, and fourths...) Meanwhile, the adults tore up 2 simultatious games of team-scrabble in which everyone got "scrabble dictionaries." Grandma, neck in neck with Auntie Ady, suprised everyone with the tie-breaking triple letter score 'qua.' Oh oh oh, what a woman.
I remember looking around at such a solid family-such solid love- and couldn't help but see how beautifully God declares himself in the people in my life.

Can't See Everything Through a Sliding Glass Door

Its quite insane to fathom God giving up His son for me, for you...for all of us. I don't know if that is really something I will ever understand-perhaps when I have children I might "get it" a little more.

Here I am at my dad's house..my stepmoms'. Nothing to do, no one around and refusing to watch tv, I sit here stalking my old self: my old pictures, my old website and my old blog. Who was I 4? 3?-however many years ago? Everything was fun-my saddness, my day, my life: I made light of it all and turned it into a great story for the sake of a laugh. I suppose there is nothing too wrong about that, but as I read my jenny9036 xanga posts I realize, 'boy, there was so much I didn't know.'
Between the vulgar language and rediculous implications, I found a post from 2 days after my dad died in which I "analyzed."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Currently ListeningNever You MindBy New Amsterdamsi wont run awaysee related
today....i analyzed.
i thought that growing up is when you have knowledge, you've had experiece, and you have your life on track and you feel ready for the world. but really, when it comes down to it..growing up is the realization that your so disillusioned that it doesnt even matter anymore. youll never know everything that youll need to--you dont even know who your friends are, you only know them when their with you and vise versa- but its okay. experience doesnt mean anything until youve realized that it didnt fullfill you--you still have more to live and learn, its endless...and your life will never be on tack-everythings unexpected and in the end out of your hands. and finnally..there isnt a state of final maturity, everyones on different levels regardless of age and we'll all die that way...differnt maturity levels, different experiences, different morals. but ultimately were all connected because no one ever has the perfect life, no one ever fully grows up-because what is that anyway..a "perfect life"..being "fully grown up." growing up is realizing that those things are nonexistent..but that thats okay. thats just fine.

Today I read this post, along with a few others, and can't help but chuckle. (God, how you have transformed me is beyond belief.) The chuckle isn't in what I said, rather, its where I was looking. Sorting out life without God is hopeless-you'll never find answers. I feel as if I've just seen Mander (my 6 month pup) run smack into my sliding glass door; you feel bad because you heard it, you know it hurt, but it was just so cute and funny that with the "aww" comes a smile. Poor Mander, he knew where he wanted to go and he was doing everything right to getting there, but he sort of missed something pivotal.

Since being activated, and living in Omega, I feel as though for the first time I can walk outside. God has revealed so much to me and I'm finally starting to see it. As I look to Him before I take my steps I am realizing He will slide open my glass door at His perfect timing.

"I'm going to Israel"-smack. God gave me the heart but I didn't wait for Him-His timing. There was so much working against me to actually getting there by Fall, and I couldn't understand why. I remember one night vividly-I was trying so hard to figure everything out: what to do with my dog, how to get CSU's approval (they suspended study abroad in Israel and can't legally condone their students studying there) and which college I would go to since none were emailing me back. I sat there discontent, confused and somewhat bitter. Susu gave me some advice but it wasn't filling-I needed to hear what God had to say. I decided I needed some Jesus time. 'This is going to be intense'; I got a glass of water, my chapstick, a couple Bibles, my favorite cheap papermate blue pen and my journal ready to take in the Lord. I asked God for clairity and to lay it out for me of what I'm supposed to do. I had nearly opened my Bible before my Big Sis walked in. Aggitated, I looked up and thought-'I need to hear God not my Big, oh well; maybe God sent her in at this moment for a reason.' So I swallowed my bitterness from the perfect interpution and explained. Simply, she responded "Lil, you're not ready."
It was as if God had come down and told me himself. A little bit of a sting, but oh how I needed to hear it. Of course we talked more, but that is another story in itself and I don't need to get into the details.

Israel wasn't happening because I wasn't waiting for God. I was just going full speed at it not realizing I had a closed glass door in front of me, like Mander. Then I tried to figure it out-again, I went at it full speed by talking to other people and poking at it left and right. Ending up in circles, I finally realized I needed to ask God. In persuing His answer, He told me.

God is good. If only we could recognize our glass doors before we run into them...