Again I reminisce as I revist Jenny9036. *Note that the post I quote has no relevance to anything current in my life; likewise, the thoughts discussed within the post I quote have no place in my current mentality. I blog simply because I am fascinated by my old mind.



Friday, March 09, 2007
Currently Listening Electric Warrior By T. Rex Life is a Gas
"life with people"
it seems like as we are flung into a new environment we make and drop friends left and right..some we keep and love forever but then there are those who we think will be at our wedding when really two weeks later the entire friendship has long-past terminated. I suppose as we get older we learn not to trust everyone nor always give people the benefit of the doubt; with each terminated friendship like notches on a belt, we gradually build a wall stronger and taller than the one before. This seems silly-as children and young teenagers we are much more vulnerable yet it is only during that era of our lives do we play with all the kids on the playground and try to make nice with all tables in the cafeteria. Only until our belts get tighter do we decide that being liked by all is hardly a priority and that strangers have to earn our time and earn a chance to be one who we choose to know. However and unfortunately the separtion between the individuals who still lie to be liked and those who just want to end their lives having made one or two sincere and honest friends occasionally intersects by the overlap of fate and forced situation. In this overlap, more lies are told and notches are tightened and both the liars and the ones on gaurd remain within their category of behavior. Without enlightenment of your own behaviors and which category you fall in, you will always feel trapped in the comfortless state of overlap. Realize that those who lie to be liked are liked only in lies and liked only by liars. From the begining, the relationship between two people of opposing mentalities is frail and only sustains by the feeding of untruth and the irresponsible allowing of or ignorance of being fed. Ultimately this relationship is doomed, and one way or another both egos are bruised. Pointing fingers is pointless, as there is no one at fault. It is simply a matter of mentality. You can indeed choose who your friends are before they have a chance, there is nothing wrong in having a watchful eye of others' behaviors and keeping toll of which crowd they follow. Some may say this is being quick to judge, and yes, they are right. However only those still car-salesmaning in the cafeteria are the ones who believe this is a bad thing. If right off the bat your radar is not in tune enough to determine who is worthy enough to enjoy your presence, you are nothing more than a sheep. Given it happens, when you choose wrong, it is with this detection of an erroneous decision and the action which follows that determines the stability of one's center....an unstable center will cause the character to crumble.
7:07 PM - add BLING BLING - add RIBS - email it


I was so untrusting. I had no faith in people...no love. Too selfish for free love. But as I swim through the past, I realize that these posts are the footprints of God's transformation in me. A visual reminder, that God was at work even before I started praying...before I even knew I was walking...perhaps in response and faithfullness to prayers of the warrior(s) around me and most definately because He had faith that one day I would love Him back.

Obviously God didn't tell me to think those things in my old post...yet I know now that He let me think them. He let me have that mentality so that I could break out of my identity on frat row. At that time I felt sufficated by people who party, and even more so by my own self. I felt as though this rancid happiness was vaccuuming me into being just another product of too many mixed drinks, a push-up bra, and wasted time on a scale. In the same way that a clown seems to force happiness but creates anxiety, everything was too comfortable... and to me this meant endless.
In complete desperation and not knowing where to turn, the only thing I understood was who I needed to turn from. I had to ditch my friends-I forced myself into "unidentity"; it was the only way I could ensure no association with my past. I moved into a different dorm and claimed sobriety.
Your friends are who you are-agree or disagree...but its inevitable, you can become the spinning image of them, for better or for worse. I decided that having no friends was better than having bad ones.
Harsh. Judgemental. Yes, absolutely. But I knew that the way I was living wasn't the way that I was meant to live; but I knew too that if I were put in a room with a lighter and a packed bowl, with the flick of a light (litterally) I would revert to habit.
Like a shark smelling blood and fighting its instincts to feed, I realized I was too weak to even know people accepting of this false happiness, none-the-less bathe in it. The only way I felt I could get out and not look back was by living in bitterness and holding people to rediculous standards and expectations-measured by me, of course.

As I look back, I yearn for forgiveness for all the things I said and did in trying to break away. It was never about the individuals as much as it was about their lifestyle and how much it influenced my weak flesh. Although thankful for my lesson, I'm sorry I hurt so many people on my way to understanding.

In analyzing and comparing truth for me then on March 9, 2007 and truth for me now...some of March remains. There are indeed some people whom I should probably never know again, and there are indeed some places where I should never again step foot in...yet my revision comes by understanding that its not because of others' weaknesses that make them whom I ought to avoid, rather its because of my own. Grasping the weakness of my flesh is what converts posts like these "life-with-people-revelations" into humble convictions from God.

"God feeds the sparrows."

God feeds the sparrows...and then some. What has God done for you? Feedback = necessary. ;)

"Oh you of little faith...."

What am I doing with my life... How is it that I'm at SDSU and not at a Bible College learning what I have a passion for?
Surely its God, who situated me here at Brockbank, on purpose, as mentioned in the earlier post. But I applied to SDSU in the midst of my father's illness-completely apathetic and oblivious to other universities. State was the only school I applied to, and knowing that I would get in, I didn't even think twice-I didn't care.
Clearly because of where I was in my faith in my first year, I wouldn't have been ready for Bible College; I don't think I even knew they existed none the less had any intentions of applying to one.
But here I am, looking at the curiculum of Horizon and (like an ill-tempered child) I cry a river of unnecessary tears: why can't I have that? Why couldn't that curiculum have been mine?
How can I know I need to be at state but at the same time yearn for the 4-year plan at Horizon. When I look at the classes, I can't help but think I missed out simply because of my apathty for college...and life even...4 years ago (during my college apps season.) If only I cared a little more-if only I knew God a little better, where could I be? How much more efficiently could I be serving Him right now? How much less would I have jipped him of this life?
I'm angry it took me this long to see God in a new light yet even more frustrated that I still choose to walk away. Such a waste. Back and fourth, back and fourth, obedient-disobedient.. when will it please stop? Why do I feel like I need a worthy purpose in order to seek Him? How is it that I'm too thick headed to full-heartedly see that His love alone is a reason that makes Him worth seeking...Since when did I reduce my relationship with God to nothing shy of a treaty: if You do this, I'll do that. When did I slip into feeling so entitled...

...I know someone who needs to be humbled.

I thought He showed me where He wanted me. Certainly it is in the church, in ministry if not youth ministry specifically. But why am I so far behind? How could he choose me for something like this-I'm too lost and broken, unknowledgable and stubborn, and way too sterile in His kindgom to ammount to being a Youth Pastor none the less an example for such impressionable minds.
Sure sure, God equips the unequipped...But I don't want to hear that.
What I want is a mentor...an internship-someone whom I can thrive and learn from-'God train me already; prepare me for this. Show me how....please, help my unbelief.'

I've never been so glad to be homesick...

I suppose it takes a few thousand miles, the other side of the pacific ocean and too many tears to count to realize the blessings God has so strategically placed in my life. San Diego, CA: Brockbank Place-my very own culdesac of love. How could one street, so catering to my specific needs, be just as a blessing in unique ways for each of the other 30 girls who live down the hall, next door or a few driveways over?...The love that is freely given to me there is so forgiving, so genuine and so solid in Christ, that it is easy to forget that it wasn't just intended for me.
Through these girls I've met God in community; I understand now how He intended for people to live. To live alone-whether physically alone, or alone in identity with Christ-is not how I thrive, nor is it, as I believe, how any of His people thrive.
God situated me at Brockbank Place, with each of those girls, and not one less, to reveal himself to me. Each sister, with specific gifts and purposes, is necessary for my greater understanding of The Lord. Its a picture: growing more and more complete with every new addition and with every new friendship.

Who is God? What is His nature? How am I significant to His purpose?....
Luckily for me, I don't need to go to Israel, Costa Rica or Japan to help find the answers to these questions....There are some things that even going to church, reading The Word, or fasting and praying can't reveal:
Living, day to day, with the women of God is unlike any other ministry and is a beauty in itself. No, its not perfect; sure, some days it falls short of God's intentions; but yes, we're still learning-together; and hallelujah yes, were seeking God-together.

We make mistakes and there are cracks Satan gets a hold of, but that doesn't make Brockbank Place any less of a blessing to my life. God utilizes these girls, my strenghts, and my weaknesses, like none other in training me to become the woman He has intended.

There is not much I know about God, nor is there a whole lot I understand about myself...but praise Jesus He has provided me with Alpha Delta Chi to help me figure things out and to catch me when I fall.

simple and sweet.

loving the simple things...

• Flowers in front of the Kimono museum at Mt. Fuji.
  
• Devoing one afternoon on the base's Starbucks, the Japanese barrista girl wrote a cute little note on my iced tea

Joel 2:12-13

"Yet even now," declares the LORD, "Return to Me with all your heart,
And with fasting, weeping and mourning;
And rend your heart and not your garments."
Now return to the Lord your God,
For He is slow to anger, abounding in loving-kindness and relenting of evil.

Thick Fog Ahead...

Things over here aren’t going as I expected. I’m realizing that I create expectations for things that God is ultimately in control of. I thought that by coming here-between the distance and the fasting-that I would immediately get that “Jesus-high” (you know what I’m talking about...like at summer camps.) But to be honest I don’t feel like I’m learning. I don’t even feel like I’m growing. Maybe I’m doing something wrong or I need to do something differently… But I don’t know-it just feels like I’m failing miserably at pursuing Him. Is that even possible?

God’s been correcting my thoughts; faithfully, He’s been answering my prayers (I’ve been asking Him to be the first to correct my heart and my actions.) But as his voice gets clearer, I can’t help but realize just how short I fall of being the girl He intended for me to be. I suppose, yet again God is faithful and answering my prayers (for perspective and a humble heart.) He sure is putting me in my place-and as I look around I don’t like what I see.

My spirit is sickened by my flesh.

What kills is that these aren’t the things I knew I struggled with-God has showed me how much more I struggle in areas I didn’t even consider. How arrogant, how ignorant. Of course I struggle in more than just the things I acknowledge-surely these are the things where I struggle the most if I couldn’t even see the problem.

God is good, but I am not. Yes, through God’s grace I have the capacity to live up to what God has already created in me*…but it is a long walk and I see now that I really see nothing at all. I cannot see what is ahead, but I know it’s good. But nor can I see behind me, I get lost in my past every time I even turn my cheek-for its not far behind.

In enduring in this search to know my creator and this pot’s purpose, it has become apparent that my walk has seasons: currently one of thick haze.

* foresthome.org
--> audio archives
--> college briefing
--> Mike Erre
Read Colossians

God's Convictions Are Not Suggestions

Rather jet lag and fatigued from both the time change and "exercising" in a gym for the first time in...many months, I laid there on the couch-cozy and ready for bed. Drifting, drifting and before I knew it, I was fast asleep. Suddenly I woke up; my acid reflux told me my esophagus was desperate for a glass of milk. Thinking I had slept a good few hours, only minutes had gone by. After a big glass of "Rice Drink" I laid down again, this time my body meaning business for solid Zs. In the midst of my dream, The Little Voice popped into my head:

"Get up, read your Bible and pray."
Hah...psshh. Nooo.
"Really, get up."
No...I'm pretty sure I'm too tired to get up.
"..(silence)...."
You can't guilt trip me
"......."
I promise I'll read and pray in the morning.

And that was it...no more of those thoughts.There I was, karate-chopping a flower that wanted to be smelled. SNAP, just like that, the little voice was gone. I laid there, so ready for sleep. And then I started thinking...

Who told me those thoughts anyway? Surely they weren't from satan-why would he tell me to read my Bible and pray? Hmm... Surely they weren't from me? For why would I suggest to my ragged aching body, in the midst of beautiful sleep, to get up and do anything other than recoup via REM? Hmm...don't worry about it, go back to sleep.

But I couldn't get back into my dream. Then it dawned on me...

Oh snap-what if they were from God? My very own holy spirit convicting me to sacrifice this sleeping time I think I need so that I can learn something from the Lord...surely if God wanted to tell me something, He would give me the energy to receive it right? So I got out of bed.

The next morning, I read through my journal looking for what I learned that night. To my dismay, I couldn't find the right entry: it was completely lost within other undated prayers. All I could remember from that night was reading the introduction to Colossians and then passing out.
Why would God wake me up and then let me fall asleep on him? I struggled for obedience, then finally I got up; it took me a few minutes but I did it. But for what-to fall asleep and then forget what He taught me? Was it just a test? Did I fail? Was it because I didn't get up quick enough that I cannot remember anything that spoke to me that night? Surely He wanted me to know something...



The parallels to this event and my walk are undeniable. I've asked for God's voice to be louder; faithfully my spirit has become more sensitive. I've asked to know God's laws and daily commandments of me; faithfully he has been revealing them. Regardless of how little or seemingly irrelevant, I hear his convictions and He corrects not only my actions but better yet my thoughts. I can acknowledge all this, yet I struggle with expectation. I find myself trapped between the follow-through and the consequence. I got up when he told me, expecting something just shy of a summer camp high: feeling Jesus all around me as if He were my personal tutor, hand-to-mouth feeding me wisdom.
Sure Jesus is my tutor, but too often I associate obedience with feeling good, or learning with feeling accomplished, and growing with feeling like I am.

Still not understanding the reasons nor the timing of these little commandments, I realize that the only thing relevant is knowing when they are from God. The consequential feeling of obeying has no say in the validity of who commanded it. Since I distinguished His voice from others, I can trust that obeying was necessary; for there is no need to meddle deciding whether obeying felt worth it or not.

Forget how I am feeling-sufficient confirmation or encouragement ought to come from simply recognizing the majesty of the Lord and obeying Him out of fear.