Can't See Everything Through a Sliding Glass Door

Its quite insane to fathom God giving up His son for me, for you...for all of us. I don't know if that is really something I will ever understand-perhaps when I have children I might "get it" a little more.

Here I am at my dad's house..my stepmoms'. Nothing to do, no one around and refusing to watch tv, I sit here stalking my old self: my old pictures, my old website and my old blog. Who was I 4? 3?-however many years ago? Everything was fun-my saddness, my day, my life: I made light of it all and turned it into a great story for the sake of a laugh. I suppose there is nothing too wrong about that, but as I read my jenny9036 xanga posts I realize, 'boy, there was so much I didn't know.'
Between the vulgar language and rediculous implications, I found a post from 2 days after my dad died in which I "analyzed."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Currently ListeningNever You MindBy New Amsterdamsi wont run awaysee related
today....i analyzed.
i thought that growing up is when you have knowledge, you've had experiece, and you have your life on track and you feel ready for the world. but really, when it comes down to it..growing up is the realization that your so disillusioned that it doesnt even matter anymore. youll never know everything that youll need to--you dont even know who your friends are, you only know them when their with you and vise versa- but its okay. experience doesnt mean anything until youve realized that it didnt fullfill you--you still have more to live and learn, its endless...and your life will never be on tack-everythings unexpected and in the end out of your hands. and finnally..there isnt a state of final maturity, everyones on different levels regardless of age and we'll all die that way...differnt maturity levels, different experiences, different morals. but ultimately were all connected because no one ever has the perfect life, no one ever fully grows up-because what is that anyway..a "perfect life"..being "fully grown up." growing up is realizing that those things are nonexistent..but that thats okay. thats just fine.

Today I read this post, along with a few others, and can't help but chuckle. (God, how you have transformed me is beyond belief.) The chuckle isn't in what I said, rather, its where I was looking. Sorting out life without God is hopeless-you'll never find answers. I feel as if I've just seen Mander (my 6 month pup) run smack into my sliding glass door; you feel bad because you heard it, you know it hurt, but it was just so cute and funny that with the "aww" comes a smile. Poor Mander, he knew where he wanted to go and he was doing everything right to getting there, but he sort of missed something pivotal.

Since being activated, and living in Omega, I feel as though for the first time I can walk outside. God has revealed so much to me and I'm finally starting to see it. As I look to Him before I take my steps I am realizing He will slide open my glass door at His perfect timing.

"I'm going to Israel"-smack. God gave me the heart but I didn't wait for Him-His timing. There was so much working against me to actually getting there by Fall, and I couldn't understand why. I remember one night vividly-I was trying so hard to figure everything out: what to do with my dog, how to get CSU's approval (they suspended study abroad in Israel and can't legally condone their students studying there) and which college I would go to since none were emailing me back. I sat there discontent, confused and somewhat bitter. Susu gave me some advice but it wasn't filling-I needed to hear what God had to say. I decided I needed some Jesus time. 'This is going to be intense'; I got a glass of water, my chapstick, a couple Bibles, my favorite cheap papermate blue pen and my journal ready to take in the Lord. I asked God for clairity and to lay it out for me of what I'm supposed to do. I had nearly opened my Bible before my Big Sis walked in. Aggitated, I looked up and thought-'I need to hear God not my Big, oh well; maybe God sent her in at this moment for a reason.' So I swallowed my bitterness from the perfect interpution and explained. Simply, she responded "Lil, you're not ready."
It was as if God had come down and told me himself. A little bit of a sting, but oh how I needed to hear it. Of course we talked more, but that is another story in itself and I don't need to get into the details.

Israel wasn't happening because I wasn't waiting for God. I was just going full speed at it not realizing I had a closed glass door in front of me, like Mander. Then I tried to figure it out-again, I went at it full speed by talking to other people and poking at it left and right. Ending up in circles, I finally realized I needed to ask God. In persuing His answer, He told me.

God is good. If only we could recognize our glass doors before we run into them...