What am I doing with my life... How is it that I'm at SDSU and not at a Bible College learning what I have a passion for?
Surely its God, who situated me here at Brockbank, on purpose, as mentioned in the earlier post. But I applied to SDSU in the midst of my father's illness-completely apathetic and oblivious to other universities. State was the only school I applied to, and knowing that I would get in, I didn't even think twice-I didn't care.
Clearly because of where I was in my faith in my first year, I wouldn't have been ready for Bible College; I don't think I even knew they existed none the less had any intentions of applying to one.
But here I am, looking at the curiculum of Horizon and (like an ill-tempered child) I cry a river of unnecessary tears: why can't I have that? Why couldn't that curiculum have been mine?
How can I know I need to be at state but at the same time yearn for the 4-year plan at Horizon. When I look at the classes, I can't help but think I missed out simply because of my apathty for college...and life even...4 years ago (during my college apps season.) If only I cared a little more-if only I knew God a little better, where could I be? How much more efficiently could I be serving Him right now? How much less would I have jipped him of this life?
I'm angry it took me this long to see God in a new light yet even more frustrated that I still choose to walk away. Such a waste. Back and fourth, back and fourth, obedient-disobedient.. when will it please stop? Why do I feel like I need a worthy purpose in order to seek Him? How is it that I'm too thick headed to full-heartedly see that His love alone is a reason that makes Him worth seeking...Since when did I reduce my relationship with God to nothing shy of a treaty: if You do this, I'll do that. When did I slip into feeling so entitled...
...I know someone who needs to be humbled.
I thought He showed me where He wanted me. Certainly it is in the church, in ministry if not youth ministry specifically. But why am I so far behind? How could he choose me for something like this-I'm too lost and broken, unknowledgable and stubborn, and way too sterile in His kindgom to ammount to being a Youth Pastor none the less an example for such impressionable minds.
Sure sure, God equips the unequipped...But I don't want to hear that.
What I want is a mentor...an internship-someone whom I can thrive and learn from-'God train me already; prepare me for this. Show me how....please, help my unbelief.'
Surely its God, who situated me here at Brockbank, on purpose, as mentioned in the earlier post. But I applied to SDSU in the midst of my father's illness-completely apathetic and oblivious to other universities. State was the only school I applied to, and knowing that I would get in, I didn't even think twice-I didn't care.
Clearly because of where I was in my faith in my first year, I wouldn't have been ready for Bible College; I don't think I even knew they existed none the less had any intentions of applying to one.
But here I am, looking at the curiculum of Horizon and (like an ill-tempered child) I cry a river of unnecessary tears: why can't I have that? Why couldn't that curiculum have been mine?
How can I know I need to be at state but at the same time yearn for the 4-year plan at Horizon. When I look at the classes, I can't help but think I missed out simply because of my apathty for college...and life even...4 years ago (during my college apps season.) If only I cared a little more-if only I knew God a little better, where could I be? How much more efficiently could I be serving Him right now? How much less would I have jipped him of this life?
I'm angry it took me this long to see God in a new light yet even more frustrated that I still choose to walk away. Such a waste. Back and fourth, back and fourth, obedient-disobedient.. when will it please stop? Why do I feel like I need a worthy purpose in order to seek Him? How is it that I'm too thick headed to full-heartedly see that His love alone is a reason that makes Him worth seeking...Since when did I reduce my relationship with God to nothing shy of a treaty: if You do this, I'll do that. When did I slip into feeling so entitled...
...I know someone who needs to be humbled.
I thought He showed me where He wanted me. Certainly it is in the church, in ministry if not youth ministry specifically. But why am I so far behind? How could he choose me for something like this-I'm too lost and broken, unknowledgable and stubborn, and way too sterile in His kindgom to ammount to being a Youth Pastor none the less an example for such impressionable minds.
Sure sure, God equips the unequipped...But I don't want to hear that.
What I want is a mentor...an internship-someone whom I can thrive and learn from-'God train me already; prepare me for this. Show me how....please, help my unbelief.'
2 comments:
luganda, i'm sure you've already hear this plenty of times, but it always serves as a constant reminder/encouragement: know your potential in christ is limitless! don't be so hard on yourself!! you're incredibly intelligent! He's placing a knowledge within you through every circumstance you encounter, we just need to believe refinement the way He does. God sees every moment of your life, and His promise of a future is a truth you must proclaim. sure you KNOW you've got all of this, but does your heart FEEL it? with this comes time.
it's crazy thinking about our futures and what tomorrow holds, but dwelling on the simplest of thoughts shall get you through each day...the Lord directs each and every step (see prov. 16:9). our times are in His hands, take comfort from that and REST with it!
He's the author. sometimes we need to loosen our grip on the pen.
love.
p.s. sorry for the mega long comment!
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