Again I reminisce as I revist Jenny9036. *Note that the post I quote has no relevance to anything current in my life; likewise, the thoughts discussed within the post I quote have no place in my current mentality. I blog simply because I am fascinated by my old mind.



Friday, March 09, 2007
Currently Listening Electric Warrior By T. Rex Life is a Gas
"life with people"
it seems like as we are flung into a new environment we make and drop friends left and right..some we keep and love forever but then there are those who we think will be at our wedding when really two weeks later the entire friendship has long-past terminated. I suppose as we get older we learn not to trust everyone nor always give people the benefit of the doubt; with each terminated friendship like notches on a belt, we gradually build a wall stronger and taller than the one before. This seems silly-as children and young teenagers we are much more vulnerable yet it is only during that era of our lives do we play with all the kids on the playground and try to make nice with all tables in the cafeteria. Only until our belts get tighter do we decide that being liked by all is hardly a priority and that strangers have to earn our time and earn a chance to be one who we choose to know. However and unfortunately the separtion between the individuals who still lie to be liked and those who just want to end their lives having made one or two sincere and honest friends occasionally intersects by the overlap of fate and forced situation. In this overlap, more lies are told and notches are tightened and both the liars and the ones on gaurd remain within their category of behavior. Without enlightenment of your own behaviors and which category you fall in, you will always feel trapped in the comfortless state of overlap. Realize that those who lie to be liked are liked only in lies and liked only by liars. From the begining, the relationship between two people of opposing mentalities is frail and only sustains by the feeding of untruth and the irresponsible allowing of or ignorance of being fed. Ultimately this relationship is doomed, and one way or another both egos are bruised. Pointing fingers is pointless, as there is no one at fault. It is simply a matter of mentality. You can indeed choose who your friends are before they have a chance, there is nothing wrong in having a watchful eye of others' behaviors and keeping toll of which crowd they follow. Some may say this is being quick to judge, and yes, they are right. However only those still car-salesmaning in the cafeteria are the ones who believe this is a bad thing. If right off the bat your radar is not in tune enough to determine who is worthy enough to enjoy your presence, you are nothing more than a sheep. Given it happens, when you choose wrong, it is with this detection of an erroneous decision and the action which follows that determines the stability of one's center....an unstable center will cause the character to crumble.
7:07 PM - add BLING BLING - add RIBS - email it


I was so untrusting. I had no faith in people...no love. Too selfish for free love. But as I swim through the past, I realize that these posts are the footprints of God's transformation in me. A visual reminder, that God was at work even before I started praying...before I even knew I was walking...perhaps in response and faithfullness to prayers of the warrior(s) around me and most definately because He had faith that one day I would love Him back.

Obviously God didn't tell me to think those things in my old post...yet I know now that He let me think them. He let me have that mentality so that I could break out of my identity on frat row. At that time I felt sufficated by people who party, and even more so by my own self. I felt as though this rancid happiness was vaccuuming me into being just another product of too many mixed drinks, a push-up bra, and wasted time on a scale. In the same way that a clown seems to force happiness but creates anxiety, everything was too comfortable... and to me this meant endless.
In complete desperation and not knowing where to turn, the only thing I understood was who I needed to turn from. I had to ditch my friends-I forced myself into "unidentity"; it was the only way I could ensure no association with my past. I moved into a different dorm and claimed sobriety.
Your friends are who you are-agree or disagree...but its inevitable, you can become the spinning image of them, for better or for worse. I decided that having no friends was better than having bad ones.
Harsh. Judgemental. Yes, absolutely. But I knew that the way I was living wasn't the way that I was meant to live; but I knew too that if I were put in a room with a lighter and a packed bowl, with the flick of a light (litterally) I would revert to habit.
Like a shark smelling blood and fighting its instincts to feed, I realized I was too weak to even know people accepting of this false happiness, none-the-less bathe in it. The only way I felt I could get out and not look back was by living in bitterness and holding people to rediculous standards and expectations-measured by me, of course.

As I look back, I yearn for forgiveness for all the things I said and did in trying to break away. It was never about the individuals as much as it was about their lifestyle and how much it influenced my weak flesh. Although thankful for my lesson, I'm sorry I hurt so many people on my way to understanding.

In analyzing and comparing truth for me then on March 9, 2007 and truth for me now...some of March remains. There are indeed some people whom I should probably never know again, and there are indeed some places where I should never again step foot in...yet my revision comes by understanding that its not because of others' weaknesses that make them whom I ought to avoid, rather its because of my own. Grasping the weakness of my flesh is what converts posts like these "life-with-people-revelations" into humble convictions from God.